I’ve thought a lot about how to prepare this article. It’s a big responsibility for me to present such a complex topic based on a personal journey. And this is definitely more than just experimenting with recreational drugs. It’s an adventure that goes beyond anything I’ve ever experienced in my life.
*I want to clearly state here that the purpose of this article is solely to share my experiences, gained during almost three years of living in Southeast Asia. It is not my intention to encourage participation in any practices that are illegal.
Even though I’ll be telling you about an Ayahuasca ceremony, let me first go back five years, to something that happened to me in Warsaw that shaped who I am today. I know many people might be skeptical about stories like this, but I want to share my observations and conclusions with you very openly, honestly, and thoroughly.
[I will finally publish the article about the Ayahuasca Ceremony next week, but I felt this introduction was necessary.]
For most of my life, I’ve faced many challenges. These came from numerous complexes, both external — about my appearance and behavior — and (most importantly) internal ones, related to feeling misunderstood, different, and overly sensitive. And even though after 34 years of my life I feel I’ve done a good job, both in terms of who I am, what I stand for, my profession, and financial situation, years of self-doubt and low self-esteem held me back, blocked me, and overwhelmed me. One day, a friend suggested we try hallucinogenic mushrooms together. Without checking any information about them, I simply agreed, trusting it would be an interesting drug experience. This was a very careless approach to the subject, and today’s me will always say that education is key, because everything human is understandable to me, as long as it’s done with moderation and responsibility.
On the evening my friend and I had planned to meet, I was both tired and in a bad mood. However, I didn’t want to postpone again, so I arrived on time. We had very detailed instructions from someone familiar with the topic, so we weren’t worried about what awaited us. Today, I can summarize it like this: the most important thing is feeling safe and comfortable. That’s why we did it just the two of us, as close friends, and chose a private space in an apartment. Dosing and preparation were essential.
The session started about 30 minutes after we ate the dried mushrooms. Colors became warmer, more vibrant. Like waves moving through my body, I felt increasingly relaxed, as if someone had wrapped me in a cloak of peace and security. When my friend went to the bathroom, I felt something was missing in the room. I took the duvet off the bed and laid it on the floor, then grabbed my phone and found a multi-hour playlist on Spotify made for this kind of experience.
We both lay down on the duvet, and above our faces hung a paper chandelier shaped like a cloud, which later became the highlight of our evening. We very naturally surrendered to what was coming. Almost without interacting with each other, we lay like this for the next 5 hours. Everyone experiences psychedelics in their own unique way; there are no fixed rules. It’s not something sudden that would shock the body, either physically or mentally. It’s a bit like a planned Sunday movie night with your partner, watching a fascinating film you’ve long wanted to see, with snacks under a blanket. Complete comfort, peace, and naturalness, as if I was guiding myself through something completely unfamiliar yet at the same time familiar.
I divide my adventure into two stages, each lasting about 2.5 hours. Everything started with symmetry and geometry, shapes forming out of nowhere, like raindrops falling on an undisturbed water surface. This drew me into a kind of trance, a hypnosis, a focus on the here and now. Even though I had no specific intention or thoughts, the beautiful music in the background guided me through calm, steady thoughts, a bit like a breeze carrying different scents. After some time, I began to look at my life: how it was currently going. Am I happy and fulfilled? Am I achieving my dreams? Each thought led to others, breaking down every topic into smaller, more precise reflections. All of this, despite the chaos, was also a coexisting harmony of individual instruments. With different histories, but also blending into one melody. I observed myself like a mediator, who, with intellect and life experience, can analyze what he sees and draw reliable conclusions. For the first time in my life, instead of running from my thoughts, I completely gave in to them. With each minute, I dove deeper and deeper, reaching important moments of my life. Both good and bad, everything that influenced who I am today. I looked at what shaped me as if I was browsing Netflix – with many windows of different events, and I didn’t so much have to decide which window I wanted to zoom in on; intuition guided me. I went back to my childhood and how withdrawn I was among my peers, to beautiful holidays in the countryside with my grandparents, to relationships and friendships, conflicts and crises. I completely forgot about time. About what I was currently doing and with whom. My eyes were open the whole time. Even though I wasn’t using them, I was gazing deeper and deeper within myself.
Despite my high sensitivity, I reviewed and explored my life with immense calm, regardless of whether a situation was negative or positive. It was as if I had separated emotion from intellect and maturity. For the first time, I was an independent advisor to myself, one who could so accurately spot problems and solutions for others, but never before for myself. I started to see the path of my life and how my personality, my worldview, had formed. And although I made thousands of mistakes and went through hundreds of crises, I finally saw who I am and what I stand for. My distinctiveness, which was always misunderstood, turned out to be a unique strength that should motivate me to start each day. My emotional intelligence, which I struggled with my whole life, proved to be the key to understanding others on a level they themselves cannot see. I understood how truly happy I am with who I am today, that I never gave up and always went against the current, despite all the voices telling me to turn back. I realized that I am a good person, who wants not only better for myself, but for everyone and everything around. I understood how incredibly proud I am of myself, even though my perfectionism and self-demands never even allowed me to consider this question. This moment moved me so much that warm tears of happiness streamed down my cheeks, one after another. A feeling of complete self-awareness, self-perception, understanding, and… Pride enveloped me. For the first time in my life, I told myself in my thoughts that I love myself and thank myself. I felt a huge need to hug myself, so I did. And so Patryk lay on the floor for 2 hours, staring at the ceiling and the paper chandelier, soaked in tears and hugging himself like Dracula after dinner. This “moment” released so many emotions that it strengthened me even further. Now my Netflix-like overview transformed into something more advanced, with tools of empowerment. Now, with a broad view of my life, I could choose any topics. Like a fair judge, I could assess the scale of a given problem, and then, without hesitation, my intellect would independently suggest solutions. Some topics were simpler, others more complex. Sometimes I had options A and B, sometimes the range went all the way to H. In this way, every knot that hindered my self-development and happiness, I knew how to untangle. It was as if I had compiled my whole life, then added comments, and delegated tasks with specific instructions.
So many emotions had been released that a break announced itself. I had a short, amazed conversation with my friend, then went to the toilet. As I left, I slowly washed my hands, and the world gently pulsed with vibrant colors. I’d heard it was safer to avoid looking in the mirror, yet I allowed myself to do it. Despite the omnipresent geometry, colors, and pulsing waves, I also maintained an awareness I had never experienced before. Everything that had been happening in my mind was now happening in my surrounding reality… the toilet. I looked at myself, and every millimeter of my face was sharpened, but my gaze immediately caught my attention… My gaze. With the color of my eyes, an exchange of glances can cause confusion, because it feels like I’m piercing someone’s soul. I stood before the mirror, alone with myself. Regardless of my thoughts, past, or future, I was here and now. Face to face. Eye to eye. Me and me. Everything I had just seen while tripping on the floor, I could personalize and confront the most beautiful thoughts, conclusions, and facts I had discovered after 29 springs. This was the most intimate moment of my life, even to this day. Once again, I hugged myself and decided it was time to go back for more self-discovery.
I returned to the room; my friend was contemplating by the bed. We exchanged smiles and a few words of fascination about what we were experiencing. I looked out the window; it was still daylight. I observed how everything moved at its own pace, while I had internally slowed down to deepen my mindfulness.
After a few minutes, I returned to the floor, ready for the next stage of the journey.
The paper chandelier was the main feature of this experience. The effects of the mushrooms deformed and animated it, finally giving it the character of a large jellyfish floating above my head. Its tentacles swayed, hypnotizing me, drawing me into the next stage of the adventure. I felt lighter than ever, as if I had found a solution to all my problems, tools to work towards a better tomorrow. This was the moment when I could go further, beyond myself and my ego. It was the beginning of exploring the outside world, where so many interesting things happen. I started thinking about my parents, who, despite their own difficulties, always looked after my safety and well-being. About old acquaintances who brought a lot into my life but whom I had to say goodbye to. About the people who surround me today and bring something special to my daily life. The direction of my observations completely changed; the previous breaking everything down into atoms transformed into a gradual distancing – a zoom out. My perspective was constantly expanding. In this way, I started from where I was now, next to my friend, in the Śródmieście district of Warsaw, in the capital, in Poland, in Europe. There was no Netflix here; it was more like National Geographic with a full series of diverse documentaries on all sorts of topics. I thought about everyday life, about life, politics, other countries, nations, religions. I looked at everything with immense curiosity and a kind of impartiality. Judging was not in my nature, but perspective – something I realized was missing in the modern world. We have enough of our own problems that we don’t have space to look in a different direction, from a different angle. I felt like the main character of the movie “Lucy,” who scrolls through the pages of our world’s history, broadening her perspective, processing millions of pieces of information simultaneously. I felt myself drifting away, almost floating above the floor, my arms and legs moving sideways, gently pushing my body upwards. I had never felt so strong, limitless, and capable. Even though I had already cried a good bucket of tears in the first part of my adventure, I was once again moved. And a bit like in a time tunnel, every second sped up to light speed, and I processed more and more information about… the Universe. Earthly topics were no longer enough; I went beyond Earth, towards orbit, other planets, the Solar System, space. I don’t know for sure, but it seems to me that I was able to not blink for long hours, because what I was processing in my head connected with the jellyfish floating before my face, and I couldn’t allow myself even a second’s break on this interstellar journey. I felt as if I had separated from my body, existing purely as a stream of consciousness that processed beautiful information. Suddenly, everything stopped, and in the dark room of nothingness, I returned to myself with a clear realization that I am a tiny grain of sand in the Vast Desert of the Universe…
My experience left a subtle mark on how I saw myself and the outside world. It was as if I had planted a seed of self-awareness myself, which from that day on slowly grew and matured. In the following days, weeks, months, and years, everything I had experienced that day kept coming back to me as new insights. Although I know how abstract my story above sounds, it was the beginning of something that shaped and continues to shape me.
