Every week Spotify generates a personalized “Discover this week” playlist. The algorithm knows perfectly well what I like and sometimes a new list played is a collection of gems, rhythms that quiet everything around me, as if someone gently put me in a fluffy bedding, allowing total oblivion.
I’ve always been emotional and couldn’t cope with what was going on inside me. And usually these were emotions of sadness, anger, frustration. So it was not difficult to make me hysterical, and by the age of 25 I was completely out of control of myself and my outbursts of screaming, crying. Gone in 32 years were many friendships, those temporary ones from work or study, those seemingly more permanent with the word friend in the title, to partners I was in love with. “People come and go“ these words came to me a few months ago, when I realised that nothing is permanent, and that our daily life and perhaps our purpose in life are eternal changes.
Since I moved to Asia and am finding myself again, I feel that every day something changes. The way I perceive relationships with others, what I actually expect from myself, the world, everyday life. It doesn’t always work out, but almost every morning and evening I ask myself basic questions about how I feel, whether I’m okay, why it’s like this and not like that. If it is not satisfactory, I dig deeper – why and what I can do to change it. This way of functioning has finally opened my eyes to listening not to society, authority figures, family, friends, my partner – only to myself. To silence all the voices that have been accompanying me my whole life, creating my dreams, goals and measures of MY happiness. In the first two weeks of small changes, I began to rate my mood in the morning and evening, on a scale of 1-10, then meticulously record them into my favourite Excel. If I’m below a 7, as above I ask why and what I can do to improve it. I was helped by a post on social where an example solution was given for each emotion: anger – listen to music, sadness – do a workout, stress – go for a walk, and so on and so forth.
After taking such an action – I record it in a table whether the scale of my mood had changed. Starting these statistics the first week, when I was in a bad mood, I noted a score between 5 and 6 almost every day, but after taking ‘corrective action’ my mood has improved by a minimum of 1 note. Keeping track of this data, after 5 days I started the day not as a 5, but already as a 6, and soon afterwards as a 7. Going to bed I also fall asleep as a 7, and in time as an 8. Can you imagine how nice it is to look at the statistics of you, not some corporate sales? When you see that Patrick, man – you watch yourself, you listen to what you feel inside, you ACTION.
There are many things I love about this beautiful new island reality in Thailand. The nature that surrounds me and that I hear all day long, in yoga class or at the open gym. The practically unchanging weather, the eternal summer. And finally, the best thing that ties the previous two together – scooter riding. There is nothing more wonderful than riding a scooter through the jungle, at sunset, with headphones in your ears and your favourite playlist. I traverse these practically empty roads and ride aimlessly to free my mind, leaving my phone in the glove box and observing the nature I pass. Sometimes, and at the best possible moment, a beautiful piece of music starts up, as if dedicated to this moment and this place, to me. Nothing else exists now, only me, nature, the wind in my hair and unbuttoned shirt. Nothing else exists now, only me, nature, the wind in my hair and my shirt unbuttoned. And at one point, a tear appears in the corner of my eye, a tear of elation. With a domino effect, another appears and another and another, and after a while I feel the warmth of tears running down my cheek. Tears of happiness, of pride, of awareness.
