Are you familiar with the feeling when nothing in your life is in its place? When the only emotions you feel each day are sadness, anger and frustration? When you start each morning fighting with the knowledge that you have to survive another day, so you delay the moment of getting out of bed by squeezing in an endless number of naps?
think everyone has gone through such a period, longer or shorter. I personally was exhausted by my condition, I felt powerless, as if someone took away my power over my life, body, mind. I always tried to fight back, to take any steps that could pull me out of this state, which today I guess I can call depression. I lacked satisfaction with my life, with the day I started, with my achievements, with the work I do, with how I look and what I represent. In this state you grasp at everything on the horizon, as if you were drowning and fighting for your life. And sometimes all it takes is a small compliment thrown your way by someone at work, a smile from the serving saleswoman at Zabka, or a successful marketing campaign that you’ve spent a lot of time and energy on. It’s kind of crazy, but each of these little big factors, were able to fully recharge my happiness batteries and enable me to take a small step towards change for the better that day. They gave me a kind of hope that there is something to fight for and how to fight for it.
The worst thing about grief (at least for me) is the lack of understanding. Not so much the lack of a solution as the fact that there is a lack of a companion who simply understands what I am facing. That the words I speak are reflected in his heart, that I can feel relieved that I have not only been heard, but understood. But let’s be honest, it’s not easy to have that kind of bond, and it’s even harder to have the opportunity to be able to express what’s inside of us. And for that, you need to listen to yourself first and foremost, to understand why you feel the way you do and to be able to name what you are experiencing.
When I started my marketing path, a few good deeds happened and the good folks behind them. Imagine the look on the face of a 24-year-old who, in a meeting with his boss, after a 3-month trial period, is told not that his contract in Customer Service has been renewed, but that he has been transferred to the Marketing Department. The following months were initially stressful, at the same time the most inspiring of my career. I felt the desire to learn, to acquire new knowledge, to snoop for news and so on and so forth. In this adventure I was accompanied by people who were eager to share their experience and, as they themselves mentioned, had extra fun taking part in this marketing development of mine.
I spent the next eight years in different companies, in different positions. There was a lot of turbulence and even disasters. After all, there is nothing worse in a marketing job than stress, poor quality product and bad management. And two of those three were present in virtually every new company I was employed by. I can also blame a lot on myself, because however professional I am, I often failed to fight for my own and make decisions that would be best for me.
On November 12, 2021, I met with myself for a brainstorming session. I decided that I needed to write down, organize and analyze this mess of dreams, expectations and difficulties that had been boiling in my head all my life. I thought about several categories: where I want to live – in Poland or abroad, where I want to work – in my current company or in a new one, or maybe change completely, what gives me happiness – cash, travel or something I never named out loud. For each category I wrote yellow cards – as pluses of a particular choice and red cards – as minuses. In the end, I had yellow and red on white, and it is entirely up to me what I do with it now. I taped my results to the inside door of the closet to look at what I want from life every day.
November 25, 2022, I was fired from company, from a job and position that I sincerely hated for the past 2 years. Initially came great anger, because the dismissal unfounded with a 3-month notice period. Returning home I was preparing for a fight, for which I had already gathered black and white evidence before leaving the office. It was Friday, there was time to process it. Contrary to what I would always do, I soothed my nerves by asking myself – do I want to fight if I hate this place? I let it go. Apparently, my objection, which I voiced loudly during the “dismissal” meeting, was conveyed by the HR officer to the CEO, who himself invited me for a meeting. Prepared as if for war, with a laptop and evidence in my backpack – I showed up and told my version of events. I heard the real reason for my dismissal, and thus the evidence for seeking legal justification – Patrick, I have seen for months that you are unhappy here. I think it was the first time in my life that I encountered a gentlemanly approach to the subject. An outgrowth not necessarily of empathy, but of reason, I was asked how we could solve the problem to keep everyone happy. I proposed 4 months paid with no obligation to work. The CEO shook my hand and added “done.” When I left the building the next day, after taking down the computers, etc., I felt like a bird leaving a shitty cage. Fuck, finally over.
Thank you. I wasn’t able to leave on my own, I didn’t have the energy to look for a new job, and you guys made it easy for me by giving me a kick in the butt. Not right away, but after 2 months I went back to the “yellow and red on white” list and decided to listen to myself, risk everything and catch all dreams at once. I have created a plan.
On May 11, I landed in Bangkok to leave the next day for the Promised Land – the island of Koh Phangan in Thailand.
To be continue…
